What we fear is what we crave/ Insecurity/ Choosing to Not Be Seen Out of Fear of Being Loved
So we all have insecurity. Some have more, some have less. Last year around May I set the intention to be truly confident. As my journey with that intention unfolded I realized that in order to be truly confident I needed to deeply address, and acknowledge my insecurities. As I have delayed my insecurities I have found its roots in childhood trauma, bullying and from being a deeply sensitive child, but not being raised to honour that sensitivity (not many senstive people are). I have been on the path of healing and addressing my insecurities for 10 months now. At times it seems like I have liberated myself from it's paralyzing trap, and other times, times like now, it seems as if I am to obey it's every demand. But in periods of time like now I do recognize that what's actually going on is that i've reached another, deeper layer of uprooting it and letting it go. I know this because I have never actually went UNDER the insecurity. I thought the insecurity was where it ended. Not realizing that the insecurity was yet another security blanket. How ironic right? Being insecure was safer than being seen. Because if I was seen, I could potentially be loved, and THAT is the scariest, most uncomfortable thing to me.. which I just realized was a deep, deep, unconscious fear. So in short:
I have been choosing INsecurity over being seen because being seen might result in being loved and at a deep level I fear being loved more than i fear being insecure, but I crave being Loved more than anything. SO.. I am craving what I fear the most.
I have heard that we need to go towards our fear, that beyond our fear is everything we have ever desired. It's powerful to sit with that, to contemplate it, to intellectualize it. But to really begin to experience the truth in it is a whole other level. It is eye opening. I feel like a deer caught in the headlights, with my jaw dropping wide open. This all came to me last night, deep in kundalini meditation.. as i've been setting the intention everyday (but specifically when I do my practice) to heal my insecurity. Part of the reason I am working so hard and diligently on healing my insecurity is because this week I also found out that my insecurity is the biggest block I have in front of deeper monetary abundance.
what do you crave? what do you fear? are they connected like mine are?
I never realized at how afraid I am to be loved. How I fear intimacy so deeply. I never realized that I was unconsciously choosing to be insecure.. because it meant I was safe.. from one of my deepest fears. As I allow myself to unfold, and as I show up day after day I see that we have SO, SO, SO many layers. And our layers have layers. I feel that to really heal we must be humble and OPEN to healing. Intention. Intention. Intention. Trusting that the healing is exactly where it needs to be. That the universe can only take us as deep as we are ready for. We are never ever given anything we can't handle. And we are much stronger than we know.